Ten percent of sleep study respondents say they are morning people, meaning they naturally rise early and feel great doing it. On the other hand, three percent of Americans claim to have been abducted by aliens.
But who knows? It’s a big universe brimming with life forms we probably can’t even imagine. Somewhere, there may be someone who likes getting up early. Who floats out from underneath the covers, sings in harmony with the birds of the meadow, and offers a joyful salute to the sun god before he even peeks his white hot face over the horizon. But it’s not you. For you, getting out of bed is like trying to swallow your sock.
But we all know that the early bird gets the worm. So if you’re in it for the worms, here are 10 alarm clocks that just might be ingenious, weird, or ruthless enough to make you do the unfathomable – get up on time.
Clocky: The Alarm Clock On Wheels
The snooze button is one of mankind’s most devious inventions. The heroin of the sleep world, you know it’s ruining your life, but you still can’t help reaching for it. Because it feels so good.
This adorable, playful looking alarm clock is the anti-snooze button. When it’s time to get up, the clocky will start burbling in a weird robot voice and run away, forcing you to chase it across the room. After that, it’s pointless trying to go back to sleep. If you can resist the urge to smash it to pieces, the clocky should succeed in getting you out of bed on time, every time.
The Sonic Bomb
While many of the devices on this list incorporate unique design, unusual features, or other thoughtful methods, the Sonic Bomb makes use of brute obnoxious force. A 113-decibel, customizable alarm will wake you from the deepest slumber even as it peels the paint off the walls. If that’s not enough (or if you’re literally deaf), the Sonic Bomb also comes with a bed-shaker that you place underneath the mattress to rouse you with miniature earthquake-like vibrations. If you can sleep through this, just give up.
The Simulated Sun
The sun is powerful as all get-out. It feeds the earth, controls the orbit of everything around it for billions of miles, and it will blind you if you stare at it. It once fought Chuck Norris to a standstill. If you can manage to live your life in harmony with its rising and setting, you’ll feel like a million bucks. The problem is, it makes you play by its schedule, while the rest of the world conspires to keep that from ever happening.
The simulated sun, on the other hand, is like a skull-sized sleep star that’s completely under your control. You are the god of this mini solar system, and even gods need their beauty rest. Just tell the simulated sun what time you want to wake up and what time you want to go to sleep, and it will gradually brighten and dim accordingly, simulating sunrise and sunset. You’ll never have to play by the arbitrary rules of the cosmos again.
Mirror Alarm Clock
It’s an ugly, ugly world at 6:00 in the morning. And even if you’re not wild about that face of yours, at least it’s yours. Make it the first thing you see.
The narcissist will be roused from slumber by the feelings of joy and love they feel gazing at their own image, and the only challenge will be pulling themselves away in time so as not to miss the bus. Everyone else will have to rely on shock and horror to jolt them into wakefulness, but that shouldn’t be a problem. Like a Rorschach test, the mirror alarm clock probes into your psyche to make you confront something you’ve been avoiding. In this case, the thing you’ve been avoiding is getting out of bed like a responsible adult.
The Pixel Box
The world needs another boring, run-of-the-mill plastic wake-up machine like ol’ Honest Abe needed a hole in the head. The Pixel Box is for those whimsical, creative types who like to express themselves through their homewares. It’s just as much LED doodle machine as it is alarm clock. Create images, messages, and animations using your smartphone. Operating for six hours on a usb charge, it can be taken with you to add a little playfulness wherever you go.
Peakeep Old Time Alarm Clock
For some people, classic will always be the way to go. This handsome retro-styled bedside noise bomb may look inconspicuous, but it takes no prisoners when it comes time to rouse the heavy sleeper. Its stylish hammer-and-bell design creates the kind of ruckus your great-grandparents swore by. This noisy little demon adds a little bit of old time class and a whole lot of get-your-ass-out-of-bed to your decor.
Silent Vibrating Alarm Watch
Another noiseless solution to waking, this vibrating watch can bring you back from the depths of la-la land without disturbing your partner. Also great for the hard of hearing or anyone who feels their lifespan shorten every time they wake to the obnoxious blaring of a standard alarm. You can wear it on your wrist or belt, allowing you to receive reminders for all kinds of repeated activities, like picking the kids up from school or pill popping.
Tinnitus Masking Sound Generator
Not everyone will need this, but for the person who does, it just may be the best thing anyone has ever bought them. Chronic tinnitus is a maddening experience on par with the Chinese water torture. This alarm clock emits customizable sounds – like music, nature scenes, and white noise – specifically designed to drown out the sound of ringing ears. It’s just as much a sleeping aid as it is an alarm clock. It can also be used while awake to help with concentration.
The most minimalist clock on the list, the wooden cube is a modernist take on an old classic. Setting it on power-saving mode makes it look like a blank piece of wood until you clap your hands or bark at it, at which time the date, temperature, and time of day appear as if by magic. Simple and tasteful, it fits into any decor style.