Good morning! Or not. It might have been a rough one, all tossy-turny terrible because you set three alarms, all 13 minutes after each other, in some numerology-inspired attempt to get more rest. The shift from rectangular blinking clock radio to smartphone alarm has really brought out the weirdos in us all. Life was simpler when we woke up to the cackling voices of local morning show hosts. Now we have too many options on what should be the most natural part of our day: waking the hell up. So let me tell you, complete stranger who I love, what your alarm clock settings say about you.
The Odd Number Loyalist
Every alarm in your settings is filled, and each time is off the hour by 3-7 minutes. 6:08, 7:03? Oh yeah, you’ll show them. You feel kooky every time you free the top button of your Oxford, revealing that suggestive inch of jugular. Sometimes you drive 6 miles per hour over the speed limit in order to feel the breeze through your hair. You’re not sure what would happen if you woke up at 6 on the dot, but it sounds horrible, and you’d probably die.
The Deliberate Snoozer
Now that snooze buttons are kind of hard to physically smash (especially without your contacts in, you end up turning the alarm OFF), you’re safer setting three alarms every morning at snooze intervals 11 minutes apart. The first alarm physically hurts your entire body, which is why you need three: to ease into life. Sometimes in those 11 minutes, you have dreams about being awake, it’s wild. Hair kind of greasy, no time for oatmeal or the thing that comes after it, you stumble out of the door, feeling sorry for all of the suckers who get up on that first alarm.
The Emoji Dozer
You figured out that you can name alarm clocks with emojis so you spent a good 20 minutes giving each of your alarm variations a different mood.
For 6:03, when you need to get up early to work on your novel, you’ve got: 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭
For those days you swear you’ll hit the gym but really it’s more like 30% chance: 💪 💪💪 💥
For a regular-ass working-person 6:38 you set the day’s intention with: 😴 🆙 ☕ ☕ 💩🚿
For hangover mornings you’re anticipating the night before: 🤯 😎 🍔 💊
You have a rotation of only three alarm clock scenarios: weekday, weekend, and morning flight. These times never change, and you burst out of bed the second they HONK HONK HONK. Heart racing with anticipation of the day ahead, you’re amped and ready to GO GO GO. You’ve got a cat to feed, a job to go to, and bills to pay on time, always. You never saw a framed photo askew that you didn’t nudge into place. When the dentist reminds you’re due for a visit, you book immediately.
The Hot Mess
Your phone is dead, again, and the alarm didn’t go off. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
The Alarm Dependent
Your alarm list begins at 4:00 a.m. and goes through to 9:00 p.m., because your life is so full of possibility and variation that you need beeping scenarios for: early-morning conference calls to London, disco naps, post-weekend brunch naps, and the daily 8 a.m. to remind you to take some fill-in-the-blank medication. You’ve always got your eye on the clock, living that perpetual feeling of anticipation of the last 9 minutes of class before recess. Living in the present is cool, but what’s next?
The No-Alarm Anomaly
Somehow you wake up with—or before—the sun, without an alarm, because your body knows it’s time. It sort of goes without saying that you also sleep completely in the nude, inspired by that Marilyn Monroe quote about Chanel No. 5. You stretch and greet the morning like it’s been waiting for you all night, which it has been. Hours before everyone else is jolted from slumber you’re up, and with that precious time, you’ve decided to spend it drinking black coffee and reading the funny pages and then the obits, and puttering around the house, talking to the cat and thinking about past loves and what’s for lunch. Bravo. You win.